OUAT is confusing
by pirateofpenzance
Summary: Post-3.22. Regina's sad, Henry's helpful, Robin's confused. Oneshot for now, crack!fic written while I was on cold and flu medication. Outlaw Queen and Regal Believer for life.


HELLO my name is caitlin I wrote a story today because I am high on cold and flu tablets and also life. It is riddled with authorial perspective and is meant to be a bit funny so yeah just think hilarious thoughts.

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ONCE upon a time, there was a beautiful lady. This lady was named Regina and she was the mayor of a town that she built but she didn't. Somehow the curse that she cast knew exactly what a town in the north east of the USA would look like. Or something. I've forgotten the plot to this stupid show. Whatever.

She wasn't that tall but somehow she always managed to look down her nose at people. Except for like 3 people. Because she respects those people. Those three people are her son, her former boyfriend, and Snow White. Which is super weird because Snow White is a fairytale character? Oh wait, so is Regina. My bad.

ANYWAY, Regina had just left Granny's (a food/ beverage establishment owned by two werewolves) because her former boyfriend's dead wife came back to life. Sort of. Emma (Snow White's daughter who is apparently the same age as Snow?) rescued Marian, Regina's former boyfriend's should-have-been-dead wife from the past, because apparently time travel is allowed now.

WHICH IS KINDA CONFUSING because the laws of magic are pretty clear in stating that you can't make people love you, time travel is right out, and you can't raise the dead. Except you can make people think they love you, you can go back in time if you really, really want to, and science can raise the dead. Damn science.

Wait I forgot to mention that Regina's former boyfriend's should-have-been-dead-wife's sorta-husband is named Robin. Robin Hood. Like the fairy tale. This is getting ridiculous. How many fairy tales can one show have in it? So stupid.

I have just remembered that the show is about fairy tales. Sorry.

Anyway, Regina totally left the diner (Granny's, run by werewolves in case you've forgotten), because she's a better person now (she used to be the evil queen and totally would have blown up the diner if she wasn't a better person). Why would she need to be a better person? (you ask, while reading this story and wondering why the author is talking to you instead of letting the characters talk).

LUCKILY, out of the diner popped a fellow who incidentally fills the role of "reasons for Regina to be a better person". This person is the same height/ taller than Regina. Which describes just about the entire male population of the town, so here's some talking.

"MOM" called the little voice, starting low and then cracking a bit towards the end. You totally would have laughed at the pre-teen if you'd been there but you're not. Feel free to laugh anyway.

Regina turned around kinda slowly, wiping away some tears, but then also accidentally ruining her makeup a bit. She should have put on cry-proof mascara this morning. You think she would have learned her lesson after being sad her whole life. "Henry!" said Regina, and her voice cracked a bit too, and went quiet at the end, but not because she's a pre-teen boy. It was because she's crying. You know, because Robin Hood's dead wife came back to life and took Regina's boyfriend (you know, Robin Hood) back. If you've been paying attention, you'd have got that though. If you haven't been paying attention though, then remember that bit because it's sorta important.

"Mom, what happened? I came out of the toilet and your boyfriend was hugging a different person?" Henry was understandably confused. He'd exited the loo and his grandma (Snow White, incidentally) looked really sad and his other mom was, like, totally unresponsive and it was weird as. Emma is Henry's other mom and she tries her best to be a good person but she does some pretty stupid things sometimes. I totally get it though, I'd be so much worse than her if I had to be a fairy tale hero for some fairy tale characters. This show is so confusing.

"Nothing, Henry," replied Regina, straightening her shoulders and trying to look strong but failing miserably. "Why don't you go back inside, I'm sure everyone's having a lovely time." She put on her best motherly smile for him, which ended up looking more like a really shaky grimace. Like the kind you'd see before someone was about to burst into tears again. Trust me, it looks super sad.

Let me tell you something about Henry. For a twelve-eleven-thirteen year old (I don't know how old this kid is oops), Henry is very perceptive. I mean, he still gets a lot of things wrong because he's twelve (or eleven or thirteen or something), but he's not an idiot. Meaning he knows that his mom probably needs a hug or a bedtime story or whatever.

"Nah," said Henry, shrugging slightly and stepping a bit closer to his mom, "It was boring in there anyway. How about we have a movie marathon and eat pizza?" See? Look how casual he is. Just what his mom needs from him probably.

Regina did that thing she does where she looks deep into people's eyes. Usually it's to see if people are lying, but this time it's totally to look for the love in Henry's eyes. And it's totally there. The vaguely uncomfortable look on Henry's face makes Regina realise that she hasn't spoken in like 30 seconds so she gets past the lump in her throat to say "Ok" really, really softly. And then she steels herself a little more and says, "That sounds lovely, Henry. Should you… uh…" FYI Regina is totally about to ask if Henry needs to check with Emma, his other mom, and ask if he can go with Regina.

Henry's all like "Mom won't mind,". The little/ big/ normal sized preteen/ teen takes Regina's left hand with his right and tugs her towards the exit. I mean, they're outside already. He takes her off the establishment completely, and back towards her house, which is about 20 minutes away probably. Everything's about 20 minutes by walk. I think. They're probably going to listen to records, braid each other's hair, and talk about boys. Or maybe just go to sleep. Whatever.

* * *

Anyway everything's totally great because everyone's happier than they were before. Ok that's a lie everyone is sad but Marian. And maybe Hook. But Marian will probably be sad later. Oh wait, sorry, Captain Hook is here. But he's totally hot and wants to bang Emma (Snow White's daughter and Henry's other mother). He totally thought he was getting some tonight but he might not anymore considering Emma's a little catatonic. Let's check back in with the diner crew, shall we?

So Marian is hugging Robin and Roland (Robin's son who is approximately 4 and the cutest boy in the UNIVERSE) next to some balloons, Emma's standing in the middle of the diner looking a bit shell-shocked, and everyone else is other places. Regina's just left. Yes, we have gone back in time 3 minutes, keep up. So Henry comes out of the toilet to see what he can see and the part is super quiet which is weird and Henry's confused like is this a SURPRISE PARTY FOR ME EVEN THOUGH I KNEW IT WAS HERE AND JUST WENT TO THE TOILET? But no it's just a regular Storybrooke party where everyone's sad for some reason. As per usual.

Wait, hold on, Storybrooke is the name of the town that Regina Lego'd together or whatever. Like could you be anymore obvious? STORY BROOKE = STORY BOOK = FAIRY TALES… actually I'm not as mad as I was when I started this sentence. Storybrooke is a pretty hilarious name. I love it.

ANYWAY Henry's just exited and literally the only people talking are NO ONE because no one is talking. I mean, Robin and the woman from the past (FYI that's Marian but Henry doesn't know that) are murmuring sweet nothings to one another but Henry is ignoring that for now as he exclaims "Hey, where's mom?" And it gets really awkward because everyone (apart from the Locksleys) turns to him and Henry sorta awkwardly smiles and looks to Emma, his mom but not the mom he's talking about.

"I… um… Henry…" Emma looks really dazed and takes a step towards him before Hook places a gentle hand on Emma's shoulder and murmurs something to her (probably something like "it's ok, love" or whatever) and Emma stops talking. Which is super inconvenient because Henry JUST asked a question, geez.

"Um, guys? Regina, where'd she go?" Now he's looking at Snow White, his grandma.

"Oh, Henry," she sighs (and somehow she always manages to sigh out everything she says HOW DOES SHE DO THAT like even when she's shouting it's like the wind is whispering through the trees), "come here," Snow says, beckoning with a free hand (the other is holding a newborn baby who is Henry's uncle now WHAT).

Henry, being the nice boy he is, goes to his Grandma expectantly. "Henry," she starts, "you know how Emma saved that woman from the past?" Henry nods at this because yes, his mother had mentioned it while telling the awesome time travel story to them earlier. "Well, it appears that the woman is Robin's wife Marian". Snow has her hand on Henry's arm now, stroking soothingly like he's a skittish horse and could bolt at any second.

Oh my goodness imagine everyone in OUAT as horses though? That would be so good. Henry would be the cutest dumpy little horse ever hahaha

Ok, back on track. Henry's understandably confused at this, and as he looks up, he sees Robin looking at him. Apparently the sweet nothings have stopped now, and Robin has realised that Regina's not here anymore.

Henry, being the lovely grandson he is, says "thanks, Grams" to his grandma, pats baby Neal (his uncle) on the head, and then moves towards the front door. For mom reasons. As he's passing Robin, the man steps towards him. Henry stops, locking eyes with the coolest bandit in the entire forest. Also the man who may have broken his mom's heart. He's still cool though. _Damn these conflicting feelings_, Henry thinks (he would probably not think those words exactly but WHATEVER I AM THE WRITER).

Robin detaches himself from the woman and takes one step towards Henry, giving off a manly air, as if he has the situation under control. He totally does not though. "Henry… is… are you going to… do you think she's alright?" And he looks so worried right now. Like brow slightly furrowed, the whole lot. I'm sure you, dear reader, can picture what's going on.

And Henry can totally tell that Robin's totally overwhelmed right now because he is the kind of dude who would never need to start his sentence 4 different times. "That's what I'm going to find out," says Henry, not really sure if he can be mad at the coolest dude in his book but trying his best anyway. Then Henry channels his best pissed-off-mayor look, and flounces out of the diner.

* * *

Just FYI, Marian, maid Marian that is, has had a pretty shitty day. Like captured, knocked out, taken to the future. You'd expect her to be pretty grumpy when her husband asks after another woman during their reunion. Luckily, I'm pretty sure Marian is the coolest wife ever. So this happens instead of a screaming match:

"Robin? Are you alright? Who were you talking about?" And her eyes are all big and she looks totally chill and she's hugging Roland (who incidentally has no idea who she is but is happy with the attention all the same).

Robin, who actually has a sense of propriety and would not like his private life to be the talk of the town thank you very much, makes a decision. Not a final decision, mind you, but a good-enough-for-tonight decision. "I'm sure the Men would be delighted to see you, Marian. How about we make our way to camp? I can fill you in on what's happened on the way." He smiles at this. It's a great smile, because he's looking at a woman he loves. Unfortunately, his soul mate just left and he's not sure if he loved her also. The decision to stay with Marian for tonight will be enough, and having the Men keep her occupied will be great while he tries to figure everything out.

PS the Men he's been mentioning are the MERRY MEN! And that definitely includes Little John, a total cutie, and might include Mulan, the coolest warrior in any universe. She might have left though. Whatever.

Marian is totally down with going back to the Men. She loved camping out back in the enchanted forest. It's better than a dungeon anyway. I bet she likes stars. She seems like the kind of person who likes stars. She probably taught the men constellations. Oh my goodness I'm having Marian feelings WHYYY.

So she's all "Alright then" and moves towards the door.

It's at this point in the story where Robin, Roland, and Marian exit the diner, well after Henry and Regina left. Well maybe like 5 minutes, but enough time that they don't see each other. Or the scary winter lady stalking the streets who will turn up later to punch everyone in the face. I'm assuming she's out for revenge. It'll get pretty intense.

* * *

TBC?

Things to think about:

Do people in the diner ever get werewolf hairs in their food? Or like if they're having a bad day and shout at Ruby does she hulk out and eat them? That would be awesome. I would support that.

Why doesn't Emma wear her hair in princess curls anymore? I loved those, damn.

I hate shitty love triangles, and Marian seems like a nice lady. I don't want her to die. Maybe she'll sacrifice herself and fling Elsa and herself through the time portal, back in time, and we can remember her as the lady that saved the town. Awesome.


End file.
